Eating Disorders: Coexisting Contradictions
While the initial and resulting symptoms of eating disorders are often similar from individual to individual, the reasons behind the need to starve or binge or purge can be different…even within one individual there can be numerous reasons why they behave as they do…some of which can exist alongside each other and contradict each other at the same time…like wanting to lose weight to be thin and accepted by a peer group or society you feel lost within, and at the same time wanting to disappear altogether just to be rid of the pain and seemingly endless illness.
Right now I’m not even weighing myself; I don’t know what my weight is. I do know I’ve lost weight as I know I have been restricting, but the number is not the most important thing in this moment…right now disappearing, fading away, becoming lost in the sick yet somewhat comforting methodical melody of anorexia, is the focus.
I know…but it makes sense to me…Im sorry.
And so it turns out that I cannot live like this. I can no longer put fork to mouth and ignore the fist of guilt rising up from my gut and out of my mouth to strangle me. I can no longer pretend that my growing hips and dimpled thighs do not bother me. I can no longer tell myself that this is the best way to live and that nurturing my body is worth the blood-curdling taunting of my mind, screaming like bullies from school. I believe in recovery from anorexia for everyone…just not for me. And I know that sounds hypocritical but it makes sense to me. I am sorry but I cannot live like this any longer.
You can only hide behind lipstick smiles and inspirational quotes for so long before the truth wins out.
A Positive Note
Yes, it is easy to get caught up in how much I have not achieved that I’d wanted to have accomplished by now…7 years of being in and out of hospital for eating disorders and depression were not part of ‘the plan’…BUT I have to say I wouldn’t change what has happened…I have grown through the process and will be a better person for it…
Nietzsche was right: That which does not kill you makes you stronger.