Even in the rain there are butterflies

Paralyzed Mind

The pain of being in a paralyzed body with a perfectly good mind would im sure be seemingly unbearable. I feel I am in a working body with a paralyzed mind, and u know what? That hurts like hell too.

He said, “I’m afraid I’m going to lose you.” and I replied with silence; unable to assure him I wil be fine and all will be well.

Stuck

I feel stuck; stationary; stagnant…going nowhere fast…every time I try to tap into what I’m really feeling all that comes up is strangling anxiety…I don’t know where I am and I don’t know where I’m meant to go…I’m caught in a state of panic and don’t know how to stop it and snap out of it and live…Im breathing and my heart is beating but I am not living.

*not my pic*

I OPENED UP AND NOW I WANT TO WRAP MYSELF IN A BLANKET AND SHUT MYSELF AWAY FOREVER.

TW

Eating Disorders: Coexisting Contradictions

While the initial and resulting symptoms of eating disorders are often similar from individual to individual, the reasons behind the need to starve or binge or purge can be different…even within one individual there can be numerous reasons why they behave as they do…some of which can exist alongside each other and contradict each other at the same time…like wanting to lose weight to be thin and accepted by a peer group or society you feel lost within, and at the same time wanting to disappear altogether just to be rid of the pain and seemingly endless illness.

Right now I’m not even weighing myself; I don’t know what my weight is. I do know I’ve lost weight as I know I have been restricting, but the number is not the most important thing in this moment…right now disappearing, fading away, becoming lost in the sick yet somewhat comforting methodical melody of anorexia, is the focus.

I know…but it makes sense to me…Im sorry.

And so it turns out that I cannot live like this. I can no longer put fork to mouth and ignore the fist of guilt rising up from my gut and out of my mouth to strangle me. I can no longer pretend that my growing hips and dimpled thighs do not bother me. I can no longer tell myself that this is the best way to live and that nurturing my body is worth the blood-curdling taunting of my mind, screaming like bullies from school. I believe in recovery from anorexia for everyone…just not for me. And I know that sounds hypocritical but it makes sense to me. I am sorry but I cannot live like this any longer.

*not my pic*